


Second Chance

by SatansFavoriteChild



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2019-12-25 11:46:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18260633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SatansFavoriteChild/pseuds/SatansFavoriteChild
Summary: If you could turn back time, what would you change?Evan Hansen needs to answer this question and figure out how to fix what he can.How can he save Connor Murphy?...How is he going to save himself?





	1. What can be done?

Evan Hansen rolled over to his back and covered his eyes with his palms, too afraid to look at any of his surroundings. He felt like the walls were closing in on him and he couldn’t hide from the constant anxiety. It felt like he was held underwater. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t talk, couldn’t fully comprehend his own thoughts. Connor’s cold hands were dragging him down to the bottom of the ocean. He deserved it.  
  
_He deserved all of it._  
  
 Everything reminded him of the hopeless situation he found himself in. There was no place for him to feel safe and hidden from the problems that were awaiting him. No escape. His entire body shivered, but his eyes remained annoyingly dry. He felt like there was no way for him to unleash all the true hidden feelings that he kept under a lock in his brain. This was one of these moments when he felt like this barrier he created was giving in, but it never truly did. He wanted to tear down these walls and allow himself to suffer through it, instead of hurting in silence, surrounded by his own thoughts, constantly screaming over any other emotions he felt. Maybe it was anxiety, he kept telling himself. However deep down he knew he had logical reasons to feel that way, but he couldn’t tell anyone. He had to suffer alone, in silence. He deserved it too.  
  
“Am I losing my mind…?” he asked quietly and laughed dryly. Apparently, he was crazy enough to talk to the silence of his room, almost as if he was expecting the walls to answer.  
  
“Apparently.” said somehow familiar voice, yet Evan couldn’t place it.  
  
Even though he made sure no one was home by checking every room ten times before even considering giving in to his emotions. However… The voice sounded too real to just ignore it. He decided to slowly uncover his eyes, but he couldn’t find the courage to open them.    
  
Evan Hansen was a coward. Paranoid, irrational coward. Even though he was _almost_ sure there was nobody there, he was too scared to look around for himself. He swallowed loudly and was already beating himself mentally over being such an anxious mess.  
  
He opened his eyes expecting to see nothing more than the faint outline of the ceiling.  
  
Instead, his gaze was met with almost unbelievably blue eyes.  
  
Evan Hansen was sure he was going to die. Even before trying to make any sense of having an unexpected guest, he felt his heart beating as if it was fighting for his last moments. He was pathetic enough to kill himself quicker than someone else possibly could.  
  
He squeezed his eyelids shut, expecting a stab in a heart, a gunshot, being bashed in the head, anything. The longer he waited, the more nervous he was getting. After a while, he dared to open one eye.  
  
He was met with the same sight as before, even though every cell in his body was praying for this to be some sort of sick joke his own brain organized for him. He was an anxious mess, he might as well have had hallucinations.  
  
 Since God must have been busy with something greater than Evan Hansen, he gauged all the willpower he had left and looked at a stranger, who turned out not to be a stranger at all.  
  
“Connor…?” he heard himself ask, hearing it as if he was standing next to his own body. There he was, tragically deceased Connor Murphy, staring at him with a faint smirk.  
  
The funny observation Evan made was that he couldn’t decide whether Connor even looked more dead than he did when he was alive. There was nothing off about him, at least not for someone who saw him at least once.  
  
“Can’t you recognize your _best friend_?” at this point Evan couldn’t decide whether his mind was playing tricks on him, or if he actually angered Connor so badly with his tales that he came back to life. He couldn’t even decide which one was worse.  
  
“I… I mean… Uh, how to put this?” the only alive person in the room happened to be an idiot that was capable of stuttering and giggling awkwardly exclusively. However, magically, Evan managed to stop this annoying behavior, simply because he realized what happened the last time he laughed nervously around Connor.  
  
The not-so-dead teenager looked at him with pure disgust and sat on the bed, his back turned to Evan. Hansen noted that there was little to no pressure on the mattress right where Murphy sat, so he probably couldn’t hurt him. At least not physically.  
  
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to beat you up for winning the Best Son Award this year.” Connor looked over his arm to look at still shaken Evan. “I just want to ask why did you go out of your way? Daddy issues? Mommy issues? Or did you do all of this because you were done stalking Zoe and wanted to hit on her with the strategy of ‘my best friend just died, please pity me’?”  
  
“N-no!” Evan immediately covered his mouth, feeling tears finally flowing into his eyes. He was scared and hysteric, but the emotion that led the way was the shame. Insufferable shame. Here he was, next to a person who he took advantage of in the most disgusting way.  
  
There was something soothing about presumably being punished for it. Maybe it could take away some of his guilt. He knew that apologies aren’t going to fix this. He was selfishly lying just to gain other people’s approval. He was simply leeching off of Connor’s death.  
  
“I need to tell you, trying to kiss her in my room was somehow admirable. It took some balls. Or idiocy. Perhaps both.”  
  
“Li-listen Connor, please…” Evan begged, feeling fear tightening the grip it had on his throat. “I know that… that ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t going to cut it. I’m begging you… Plea-please, believe me when I’m saying that I hate myself more for doing this than you possibly could.” His stutter got lost somewhere along the way. He felt like he needed to be sure of his statement, for Connor to know he was genuine. Even though he knew he wasn’t talking to Connor. He was probably sitting in his dark room, alone, whispering desperate words in order to gain some peace of mind.  
  
He was absolutely shocked when he realized Connor’s “body” was trembling as he tried to keep his laughter under control. He had his hand over his mouth and Evan was dumbfounded.  
  
“Holy shit, kid… I appreciate this dramatic speech, but I’m sorry to inform you that I didn’t come here to listen to you cry like a little bitch, Hansen.” Connor managed to collect himself and spit out what he had to say.  
  
Evan felt his cheeks burning up from embarrassment. Even though there was a significantly high possibility that he was losing his mind and talking to his guilt that took on a form of no other than Connor Murphy, he felt like he was screwing up. _Yet again_.  
  
“Listen.” Connor’s tone was collected and serious. Evan felt his heart skip a beat. The way he said it made him want to attempt suicide by jumping out of his bedroom window, this time in hopes of breaking his neck, not arm. “I know you think I am here to have an act of revenge for ‘disrespecting my memory’ or whatever. I honestly don’t understand how you can feel bad about what you’ve done to me, a dead junkie. You should worry more about the alive.”  
  
All Evan wanted to do was to stop his own heartbeat. He was aware of his lies being potentially more harmful towards Zoe and her parents, but he tried to distract himself by fearing someone who (at least in theory) couldn’t actively hate him.  
  
“I bet you would give anything to turn back time and ‘fix’ this,” Connor said quietly, turning his body towards Evan who was trying to muffle his cries with his hand. He nodded and started crying even harder. He was sure he’s going to choke on his own tears and he was surprisingly okay with it. He knew that death would be probably the only thing that could possibly even come close to making it somehow fair.  
  
“C-Connor…” he cried loudly. He was pathetic. Calling out to someone who would probably find pleasure in watching him suffer. “I-I’m so sorry… It… It should have been me… In the park… D-dead…” his imagination was torturing him with images of Connor’s lifeless body surrounded by empty bottles of any pills he could find. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Murphy’s last moments looked like, in the middle of the night, cold and alone. Left with nothing but his own thoughts.  
  
“Don’t forget who was nothing but a monster to his own family,” Connor whispered. Evan was almost sure he could hear his voice breaking for a second. “That’s not what I wanted to talk about. I guess I wanted you to be less surprised when you’re going to wake up tomorrow.”  
  
“What-?”  
  
“Don’t fuck it up, Hansen.”  
  
Then everything turned black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, a work nobody has waited on. If you happen to enjoy mediocre writing, you're in for a treat.
> 
> The chapters are going to appear every Wednesday, but take it with a grain of salt.


	2. New beginnings, same mistakes

Evan opened his eyes and blinked a couple of times in confusion. He looked to the left, at the old fashioned clock on his nightstand – barely 3 minutes before his alarm would go off. He was dressed in his pajamas, tightly hugged by his cozy covers. Nothing was out of place, just an average morning.  
  
_So it was actually nothing but a terrifying dream._  
  
He yawned and grabbed his computer, something that was a part of his routine at this point. Not only because of those idiotic letters his therapist insisted on, but, taking into consideration in what type of situation he was in, the emails that he kept composing anxiously, trying to prevent any clues that suggested he might have been lying all this time.  
  
At this point, there was something comforting about writing honest letters that were meant to reach his “best friend”. Kind of therapeutic, but tiring. If only he wasn’t so paranoid about someone discovering his secret, he would give up on it long ago. Every reply from “Connor” felt like a stone dropped directly onto his chest. Especially lately, when he couldn’t get Murphy out of his head, he was always in the back of his mind. Evan was not able to concentrate properly, feeling the weight of his lies on his shoulders. He started breaking under the pressure of keeping his façade.  
  
Evan started lazily clicking away. He checked his email account without even thinking about it and he was about to start his active morning routine, but there was something that made him freeze in place, with terrified expression painted on his unusually pale face.  
  
All of his emails were gone.  
  
He started panicking, clicking without any logic at every window of his account, desperately searching for the letters that were the only thing that kept his stories together and at least relatively believable. Losing them meant he’d lose everything.    
  
There was a Word document open, and Evan was preparing himself to stop panicking because _maybe_ he was too tired yesterday to remember moving emails around. He wanted to calm down, he knew that logically speaking they couldn’t just randomly disappear from his laptop.  
  
_“Dear Evan Hansen_  
  
Today is going to be a good day, and here is why…”  
  
Evan started hyperventilating, reading those two lines over and over again, as if every word, every letter was his death sentence.  
  
When he managed to at least stop reading the lines that weren’t going to change, no matter how desperately he wished for it to happen, he started looking at the entirety of his laptop’s screen. He knew he was caught red-handed at this point. He felt his heart beating heavily, knowing he will need to face the Murphy’s. What could he tell them? How could he look Zoe in the eyes after she finds out that the boy she considered a friend built his entire personality around a lie? The words would fail him in any scenario.  
  
At this point, he was searching for any clues that would lead him to who might have discovered his secret. The only problem was that he couldn’t think of anyone who could do this. His mom was too busy to even give his computer a second thought. Also, he put millions of passwords to make sure that the letters won’t be discovered. The only person skilled enough to mess with his computer and succeed was Jared. But his “friend” didn’t have any reasons to want these emails. He was in on it since the very beginning, so even if he wanted to tell everyone the truth behind these letters, he wouldn’t need such proof, he could easily access them from “Connor’s” email account.  
  
He decided to text his family friend in hopes of Kleinman feeling altruistic enough to help him. Evan grabbed his phone, but before he unlocked it, he glanced at the date displayed on the screen.  
  
That date.  
  
The day Connor Murphy killed himself. The day Connor Murphy signed his cast, the day Connor Murphy… The day Connor Murphy took his letter and never gave it back.  
  
He started frantically checking every single thing that could have a date on it. Every single one of them was agreeing with what his phone have shown. If it was some sort of a cruel joke, the person behind it executed it flawlessly. He sat on his bed, feeling an anxiety attack coming. He didn’t know who would be after him, he didn’t know who was already informed.  
  
He prayed that it was just him losing his mind. In order to be entirely set which one of these is his reality, he Googled the most bizarre question a person could ask.  
  
_What day is it?_  
  
The Internet couldn’t lie. Nobody would hack Google just to play on his deepest fears. He was actually going crazy. He wrapped his arms around his knees, hiding his face in hopes of calming down enough to make some sense out of it. There was no way that all of the things that happened to him so far were just dreams.  
  
He looked at his cast with teary eyes, knowing what he’s about to discover.  
  
It was completely clean. He got up and started pacing around his room. He grabbed his phone yet again and looked at his contacts – no Zoe, no Murphy’s house number, nothing. As if he was as nonexistent to them as he was before everything took all the possible wrong turns.  
  
He decided to play along. He wasn’t completely sold on the idea of traveling in time with the help of Friendly Ghost Connor, but there was only one way to find out what was going on. Connor needed to be around for him to even consider some supernatural explanation.  
  
The other scenario in which this all would make sense was that Evan lost it completely and was enjoying his new room without a door handle and walls covered by mattresses. Maybe he also could be rocking his new fashionable sweater with extremely long sleeves. Even if this was happening he wouldn’t know, so he might as well try to do _anything_ while waiting for the magic pills to save him from his own mind.  
  
His walk was worryingly light. He felt as if he already lost his mind, so no matter what reality actually was, the damage has been done and it was probably irreversible as well. When he reached the school he started having doubts. How would he react if Connor was actually there?  
  
He looked at the full corridor, lost and scared. Even with his crippling social anxiety, he was never as nervous to be in the school building.  He felt people’s eyes on him, which wasn’t out of the ordinary, he always felt like this. This time it made more sense though, he looked even more awkward and uncomfortable than usual. He wanted to reach out to someone, anyone, but technically there was only one person that knew him well enough not to be weirded out by Evan coming up to them. He spotted Alana and he wanted her to give him any sign that he wasn’t completely crazy and that maybe, just maybe, what he saw so far was a manifestation of him developing schizophrenia on top of his social anxiety and whatever his psychiatrist diagnosed him with.  
  
Alana walked past him, completely oblivious to his presence.  
  
He swallowed loudly and paced slowly around the corridor in which he would soon find out what could be happening. His heart rate was definitely higher than it should be, it felt as if the organ itself didn’t even take a break in pumping. The panic was taking over him again.  
  
He saw Jared and instead of feeling any sort of relief, he felt as if he was going to pass out. He came up to him.  
  
“Dude, are you okay?” Jared asked immediately after recognizing Evan, who was pale enough to be able to blend in with the white color of the school walls. “You look like you’re going to pass out.”  
  
Jared wasn’t the kind of person who would worry about Evan for some minor reason. He didn’t even bat an eye at his cast. If he was asking “Are you okay?” that meant Evan was on his deathbed. Or even worse, he wouldn’t be surprised if his Kleinman would make fun of him even if he was dying.  
  
“Well, fuck…” he heard Jared whispering. He was looking straight behind him and that could mean something Evan didn’t want to see. His vision became blurry, but he managed to slowly turn his head and then the entire body. He felt like it was happening in slow motion.  
  
There he was. Connor Murphy in the flesh, with Zoe following him without looking anywhere else than at his back the entire time.  
  
It couldn’t be set up. It _really_ was the teenager that committed suicide approximately a few weeks ago. At least in Evan’s understanding. Everything was checked out, there was no mistake. Yet Evan still tried to take a closer look to find anything that would tell him that what he was witnessing wasn’t real.  
  
He stared at what felt like forever, even though Jared was urgently elbowing him in the ribs the closer Connor was. The family friend whispered a quick apology and walked away suspiciously quick.  
  
“What are you staring at?” Connor’s voice was closer to a growl than something a human being could sound like. It was a raw, hateful expression of who Murphy was deep inside. At least at the moment.  
  
Just when Evan was about to mumble some nonsense in response, he felt as if he lost the ground under his feet. He was falling into nothingness, which reminded him of how he felt while falling from the tree. The last thing he heard was Zoe’s confused comment.  
  
“Oh, shit”  
  
Then Evan Hansen hit the ground.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am honestly blown away by the amount of feedback the first chapter got. Imagine that, people actually spending their precious time reading this nonsense. Amazing. Outstanding. Deserves a standing ovation.
> 
> Please don't hate me for the cliffhanger, I promise there will be even worse ones.


	3. Injuries

“Connor, I swear to God, if you leave…”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Zoe, he’s fine. It’s not like I did anything to him anyway, I was few meters away from the kid, for fuck’s sake!” this voice. This damned voice. 

Every hope Evan had for this entire day to turn out logically explainable evaporated as soon as he identified Connor’s voice. He wanted to smash his head in. He was crazy. He lost his marbles. His assumption about developing schizophrenia was correct and now he’ll spend the rest of his mind with a dead teenager constantly invading his thoughts.

He actually managed to injure something else than his arm, a nice addition to his impressive collection of contusions. He hit his head so hard that something was wrong, so terribly wrong that now he was experiencing delusions and hallucinations. That was it. That was what his life has come to. 

He opened his eyes, crossing his fingers that Zoe's and Connor’s voices existed exclusively in his apparently impaired mind. 

Of course, that wasn’t the case.

He didn’t remember who was the last person that could make him cry simply by showing him their face, but right now it had to be the Murphy siblings, both looking at him in such a similar, yet different manner. Come to think of it, he always thought they were as different as it can get, yet in that split second he couldn’t deny how oddly charming both of them were. Must have run in family. 

“You see? Told you! Now excuse me, but I have classes to go to.” Connor said the last part with a sarcastically innocent tone. Before Zoe even had a chance to say something, the door was already shut behind her brother.

The girl just shook her head and put her face into her shaky hands. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. 

Evan touched the back of his head. Even through multiple layers of bandages, touching the place that he assumed to take the most damage made him hiss in pain.

Zoe’s head immediately perked up, as if she forgot there was anyone else in the room with her. She looked too tired for her age. He got a closer look at her face. Red, bloodshot eyes with dark bags underneath them – she looked easily a few years older than what Evan was used to seeing, which was probably a healthier version of her. For a second he contemplated that maybe he could leave everything as it was because it seemed like Zoe was so much better off without her brother. 

He felt as a wave of pain and shame flooded over him. First he has the audacity to tell Connor he’d do anything to turn back time and fix things, yet then he decides he can pass this opportunity as soon as he encounters Zoe in less than a perfect mood? He almost broke down crying for even considering such a thing. He got a second choice to make everything correct and if Connor Murphy was even half as good as he pictured him to be, then he was more than worth saving. 

“You okay…?” Zoe asked slowly, observing Evan way too closely for his comfort.

“E-Evan. Hansen.” he clarified, offering her his working hand. She accepted it and they exchanged a very awkward handshake. “Yes, yes, I’m fine,” he hesitated before opening his mouth again. “You… You’re Z-Zoe, right?”

At least his stutter, especially around her, stayed the same way across the timelines.

“Are you… are you always stuttering like this or should I go get the nurse?” she asked, her body facing away from him as if she already knew the answer and asked out of politeness. 

“Ah…” he hesitated, which made her stand up. “Yes, yes, yes! I-it’s just kind of… my thing.”

She sat down again, turning completely to him. That was when he noticed his surroundings – he was in the nurse’s office, laying on the cheap, but comfortable mattress. The quality of the bed in its entirety was definitely better than he ever thought. Zoe was sitting in the chair by his bed, almost touching his hand, which made him blush immediately. 

Zoe looked at the clock. 

“Are you going to be okay if I leave you alone for a while?” she asked, her expression showing genuine worry which made his heart pick up a faster pace. “The nurse should be back in a second.”

After reassuring her that he’s going to be alright for the next few minutes, Zoe finally stood up. She took her belongings and saw Connor’s bag, which caused her to rolled her eyes. 

“I-I can take it to him.” Evan said before he even had time to bite his tongue. Zoe looked at him as if she was suddenly certain that the fall did impact his ability to think clearly. “L-looks like you… like you’re t-tired of taking care of both of you, so maybe I could…”

“Do you want to risk another concussion?” she laughed, but she was definitely not happy. “This time I won’t be around to make him carry you.”

Evan felt the color draining from his face. Connor Murphy carried him to the nurse’s office? That had to be some sort of sick fantasy of his. 

“I-I wa-wanted to talk to him anyway…” he mumbled feeling his cheeks getting hotter and hotter. 

“Talk? To my brother?”

Evan almost started scratching his scalp, just like he always did when he felt anxious, but luckily realized it would be an awful mistake. 

“I… Well…” what was he supposed to say anyway? ‘Hey, so I’m actually from the future and I want to stop your brother from killing himself? Oh, and by the way, we’re dating, because I lied to your family about being best friends with him. So, can I have that bag?’. He smiled a little to himself and then realized he was silent for a suspiciously long while. He cleared his throat. “I-I don’t want h-him to th-think I’m weird for losing consciousness once I saw him…” he managed to blurt out. He smiled awkwardly because even he thought it sounded like a bunch of lies. 

Zoe looked at him carefully, and then slowly gave him the bag. She definitely didn’t believe a word he said, but she looked like she didn’t want to push the issue further.

“Good luck!” she exclaimed with a weak smile, looking back at him. “Both with your head and the bag… You’ll need it.”

Just like that, Evan Hansen was left alone with his thoughts and an old bag that didn’t even belong to him in the first place. He smiled at Zoe as genuinely as he could bring himself to and even waved at her shyly. He regretted doing that instantly after, since he was sure it was just weird, but this time, unfortunately, he didn’t get another chance at making it somewhat better. 

He doubted his ability to make anything even remotely better ever since he woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would come up with some valid excuse as for why I didn't publish in time, but there's nothing I could say. My depression is slowly reaching the level of "Let me abuse this kid I don't even know for having a crush on my sister, so I can go off myself in a forest and throw him into the most awkward situation by stealing his diary-like letter". 
> 
> Also, the end of the semester is approaching, so I am really busy with procrastinating.


	4. Hiatus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, hide your pitchforks, I come in peace. I know, very narcissistic of me to include author's note at the beginning of a chapter, but I have an important information - As the chapter's name suggests, I am going on a break. I'm not abandoning this work, I'm not going to delete it, I am going to just stop posting for some time. I'm not sure for how long, I just have some stuff piling up in my private life that I need to take care of and can't sacrifice for keeping up with my fanfiction schedule. The finals are approaching, so good luck and instead of reading angsty gay porn, you should study. Now, I don't want to promise I'll be back as soon as possible. I would be lying if I said so, because then I wouldn't bother to publish next few weeks, here I'm talking as a matter of possibly months. I don't want to give you guys some half-assed work that I'm not satisfied with, because that's what I've done with this and the previous chapter and it feels awful. Please forgive me for making problems so soon, I just need some time to cool down, because for the last few days, frankly, I wasn't able to spend one day without having a stress-induced mental breakdown. I'm making a difficult decision to put myself in front of everything else and I hope you can understand why. I promise I will come back once I feel like I'm ready to do so. I just know that quality of my work isn't the best as of lately, I can't keep the schedule, so I thought of letting you know about all of that. Just as a sidenote; always put yourself first if you can. I can deal with not reaching the deadlines for fanfiction, I cannot deal with not reaching the deadlines for the absolutely terrifying amount of work I am currently drowning in. 
> 
> I'm not going to tell you it won't happen ever again, because it probably will. I've been experiencing symptoms of bipolar disorder and it's no fun. I am hitting low right now and even though I tried to make myself more productive, I simply cannot do that and if it was up to me, I wouldn't be taking a break in the first place. 
> 
> Alright, my rant reached my end, all of you are welcome to slide right into my DMs in case you want to check in how things going, it's not going to be a bother to me at all, as long as we both respect each other.
> 
> Love all y'all and see you later~

 Evan prayed few times to all God he has known of before doing what he was about to. Because it was a literal death wish and he needed help from every source he could possibly get it.

_He was snooping around in Connor’s bag._

It was surprisingly ordinary, both on the outside and on the inside. Of course Murphy couldn’t be bothered to take anything useful to school. Maybe he was incorrect, and finding a pen and an old notebook was borderline impossible, especially judging by the rightful owner’s attitude towards all aspects of education.

He was searching for what felt like eternity, before even thinking of opening the old notebook that laid there, old and seemingly unused for the last couple of millennia. Evan smiled to himself, because so far it didn’t look like he’s going to save Connor Murphy, in fact he was more likely to cause him to commit suicide prematurely.

He heard the door open. His life flashed before his eyes, even though due to his unimaginable levels of anxiety, most of the memories were him crying in his own room. Even for such a joke of a functional human being, it was pitiful. If Zoe was on the other side of the door, she’s going to think he’s a creepy stalker who snoops in her brother’s bag that he was supposed to simply deliver back to its rightful owner. It was bad, but technically survivable.

If it was Connor, then that would be the tragic end to his short-lived story of rescuing a suicidal teenager with anger issues.

He couldn’t even attempt to cover anything what he was doing, so he decided on at least trying to hide the notebook. Evan was ready to have his skull bashed into the wall, just like he wanted not so long ago.

He couldn’t decide whether he was relieved to see Jared’s smiling face, or if it was actually worse than the siblings combined. His family friend sat on a place where not so long ago Zoe was sitting previously, something that was still difficult for him to wrap his mind around.

Jared’s smile fell and transformed into confusion. He kept looking at the mess that he recognized not to be Evan’s property. Not only because of how much trash was there, but also the lack of anything useful in school, unless a used tissue and some old coins were a necessity to survive high school that he wasn’t aware of.

“What… What is this, Evan?” Jared finally asked, still trying to figure out what he was looking at exactly.

“I-it’s a friend’s bag. H-he left it here for s-safekeeping.” Evan was well aware that his friend would have to be more naïve than a 3-year-old to believe his words, but he decided to go with that and worsen it by adding a really awkward and insincere smile.

“What are you talking about, treeboy? Did you hit your head too hard?” Jared asked while giggling and staring at the bandage resting on Evan’s head. “You don’t have any friends. I’m the closest thing you have to a friend.”

Evan looked to the side, trying to avoid his _almost_ -friend’s gaze. After few minutes of silence between them, Jared exclaimed.

“Holy shit!” Evan turned his head to face him, just to look at his horrified expression. He leans in closer. “Why the hell are you looking through Connor’s bag? Do you want to die?” Jared looks around, as if to make sure nobody could hear them, even though there was absolutely nobody else in the room with them.

Hansen considers coming clean about what is going on, but he knew that even Jared wouldn’t be able to understand how serious this entire case was. He couldn’t tell anyone, especially not someone who can call 911 on him. Saving Connor Murphy would be difficult to do while observed closely by millions of psychiatric ward guards. Even though he felt like he can’t bear it alone, he couldn’t put it onto someone else’s shoulders. In the end it was him who got a second chance to fix what is salvageable.

“I-if you don’t want to risk having Connor beating your a-ass, don’t ask and let me think.” it didn’t come out as confident as he would like it to, but stuttering relatively less was good enough. “N-now, go and m-make sure nobody enters. Tech-technically Connor c-can come here any second.”

It was certainly enough to make Jared shut up and listen to Evan, at least this one time.

“Come on, there has to be something…” he muttered to himself while skipping through pages of the worn notebook. When he was about to give up, a small note fell out. Evan inspected it, since the writing was so small that he could barely read it.

It was… It was a suicide letter. At least a prompt of one that had the basic ideas down. Connor didn’t do it impulsively. Evan put it where it fell from and search through a bag one last time, because he needed to finally manage to find Connor alone and attempt to talk to him.

He felt a plastic container. He quickly took it out and saw what he was looking for – prescription medication. Evan thanked himself for being such a self-conscious mess and quickly swapped the medication with a bunch of mints he kept in his backpack. Looked similar enough, at least for as long as they have to.

“I know you’re in a rough spot and all, but I’m not going to risk my life for you to get some discount Xanax off of the scariest guy in our school.” he heard Jared complain, as he was switching the pills.

“It’s more complicated.” he explained surprisingly calmly, packing all of the things back into the bag. He put the bag carefully on the floor, in case Connor came to the nurse’s office. It wouldn’t be the best case scenario, but this is why he decided to get rid of Murphy’s pills – no matter how Connor is going to get his bag back, he won’t be able to kill himself, which will buy Evan more time.

This was the moment he realized he needed to work faster, since Connor was considering suicide for some time, apparently. He wouldn’t possibly be able to stop Murphy from buying the pills for forever, he needed to do something that could make Connor listen to him.

Evan cursed at the “other” Connor in his thoughts for not giving him at least a clue about how to talk to him for this entire thing to even have a chance to work out.

“Since I helped you, I want half of these.” Jared said, looking straight at the pack of mints, now filled with whatever that medication was. He would also need to find out what type of medication Connor is on, because he assumed, rightfully so, that Murphy wasn’t only dealing with addiction and depression, but there were a lot of more things to unpack, in order to fully come up with a plan how he’s going to fix it.

“Sure, not going to happen, Jared.”

“Why?! You can’t be that selfish about something I helped you with.”

“I-I told you, I’m not stealing it in order to get high. I’m going to th-throw them out.” that wasn’t entirely true. Evan didn’t know what to do with the pills, but he needed to keep them, at least for some time, in order to come up with some sort of strategy.

He felt anxiety creeping on his back, telling him how he’s going to only make it worse and he won’t be able to save someone with similar problems as his, because that’s how useless he was. There would be so many people suited better to help Connor, yet he needed to be the one to be the savior. Ironic, not so long ago he was attempting suicide and now he needs to prevent someone from doing the same. He had no right to stop Connor, but he refused to just accept his death as something that’s inevitable. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he gave up on him so easily, he couldn’t. He knew how badly Connor needed someone to tell him not to do it. Because probably all that it would take for Evan not to attempt to do anything, was someone, anyone, telling him not to do so. He knew how it hurt not to have anyone and even Zoe’s tired face couldn’t make him step back, because he knew that Connor wasn’t a monster that everyone seemed to see in him. He didn’t know him well, but he knew there was no way he could be that back, he knew that there was no black-or-white scenario, just endless gray area and Murphy had to be somewhere there.

He once saw a picture of a young Connor that his mother kept out in his room, as she liked to spend majority of her time there. He couldn’t believe that Connor was just bad, not after seeing an ordinary child with a little too long hair that covered majority of his face and the only thing he could see except for that was his childish smile that made even Evan sigh and smile at that innocent, adorable kid.

With that, he quickly left the nurse’s office, thanking Jared as quickly as he could. Now he needed to find Connor and hope his awkward personality and stutter won’t ruin everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, a work nobody has waited on. If you happen to enjoy mediocre writing, you're in for a treat. 
> 
> The chapters are going to appear every Wednesday, but take it with a grain of salt.


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